| As
the Royal Bank finds itself caught up in the world-wide credit crisis,
executives at the institution formerly known as a license to print
money are steeling themselves to receive a threatening letter sent
by themselves to themselves.
"It's
an odd position to be in" one senior spokesteller told The
JT: "Ordinarily we send out a threatening letter to customers
if they go half a pence overdrawn and charge the thirty quid for
the privilege. However, we executives appear to have mislaid all
the bank's money. So technically we're overdrawn, thus requiring
us to send ourselves a letter. That might not make sense, but we're
talking international finance capitalism here - nothing makes sense,
that's the way it works."
It
is thought that the bank's liquidity problems were only noticed
late last week when the bank's system of ATMs starting asking customers
for money.
Replacing
the usual green display informing the withdrawing customer that
"No, you can't have any money, your salary's not been paid
in, so just fuck off," was a new message saying: "Oh,
go on. Lend us a couple of quid 'til next Friday. The Bank of England
bail-out will have come through by then, honest."
"Oh,
go on, just a couple of quid. Please."
Senior
bank executives are bracing themselves to make some tough decisions
over the next few weeks, mainly deciding which lower order drones
they can make redundant while holding on to their own positions.
Strangely
enough, all those politicians who in the past have been quite happy
to praise the Royal as a "Scottish success story" are
staying a bit quiet this week. Funny that.
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