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Engineers
working on the historic Forth Railway Bridge confirmed this week
that it will no longer be necessary to continuously re-paint the
iconic structure.
It
is thought that over time, the long-lasting paint will save cash,
but, in the short-term the news has sparked the search for a replacement
simile as Professor You-Should-Know-Who-By-This-Time now explains:
"For
generations, Scottish children have been encultured into understanding
the parameters of a task that is, by its very nature, unending,
through use of the painting the Forth Railway Bridge simile. With
that simile cruelly rendered redundant by uncaring scientists fucking
about and improving paint technology, its like a massive flow of
lava has been poured into the heart of our culture, buring it to
ashes.
OK, I know we're only one simile short but I thought you'd want
a really dramatic simile."
The
search now begins to find a suitable replacement simile that communicates
the idea of being engaged in a never-ending task. "We could
revert to using the Augean stables simile but that one is foreign
in origin and therefore rubbish."
It
is to be hoped that JT readers will think up and send in suitable
replacement similes over the coming weeks, months, years and millennia,
because the editor of The JT is completely blanking on it.
It
is thought the search for an appropriate new simile will be like
doing something that's really hard.
Meanwhile,
industrial archaeologists have unearthed the real reason why the
bridge has traditionally been re-painted continuously. Here is an
extract from the journal of the bridge engineer on the day the structure
was completed:
With
the last rivet in place, the last tie secured, today should have
been a day for celebration, as I intended when I invited my lady
wife to view the bridge, truly a wonder of the age. Imagine the
sense of crushing disappointment when she merely sniffed disdainfully
and remarked: "Well, I don't like the colour very much…"
"I
was thinking of more of a fuchsia shade"
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