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what is seen as being a sure vote-winner, the SNP have thrown out
the old "It's Scotland's Oil!" slogan replacing with the
much more up-to-date "It's Scotland's Radioactive Rubbish!"
The
move comes after the SNP government announced that (ahem) "low-level"
radioactive waste would be stored at six sites across Scotland instead
of trucking the stuff to Sellafield in Cumbria. Five of six sites
have already been identified, one is still up for grabs, so to speak,
but don't all rush at once to volunteer the use of your spare room.
Definitions
as to what constitutes low-level waste differ within the scientific
community but the consensus seems to be that it's like high-level
waste except it takes a bit longer to kill you.
Professor
Beaker, speaking from his lead-lined bungalow on the Planet Thargg
told The JT: "Just think of low-level waste as diet-plutonium,
or strontium lite if you will, as long as you don't drink it, eat
it, or live anywhere near it, you'll be fine."
It
is thought that this outbreak of nuclear-related tidying up is in
no way related to Alex Salmond's ongoing strategy of making the
Labour government in London look bad by adopting a holier-than-thou
approach to cleaning up atomic detritus.
An
SNP source told The JT: "We're doing this because it's the
right thing to do morally, with no thought of tactical political
advantage, despite the fact that none of the proposed sites will
be in SNP voting areas and reports that we'll be parking a skip
full of the shite outside Wendy Alexander's house are widely exaggerated
and very possibly wide of the mark. Maybe…"
It
is thought the idea of storing the glowing detritus was agreed on
after a rather embarrassing meeting where Kenny MacAskill, in a
bravura exercise in thinking outside the brain, enthusiastically
championed the idea that Scotland should build a giant rocket filled
with nuclear waste and aim it at the heart of the sun. Kenny's assurances
to fellow SNP ministers that it could work because he'd seen it
done in a film were met with much clearing of throats and nervous
coughing.
Scottish
Labour leader Wendy Alexander, pausing only to shower unwitting
passers by with spit, quacked: "The SNP are taking a totally
irresponsible attitude in dealing with nuclear waste. In the admittedly
highly unlikely event that I'm still Labour leader when the next
Holyrood election comes round, we'll be presenting the electorate
with a plan to generate even more waste by building new nuclear
power stations. And, er, um, hang on, I appear to have just quacked
myself into a corner here."
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