Politics

Following Doktor Reid’s warning that a vote for the SNP means hordes of illegal immigrants and al Qaeda
terrorists flocking to Scotland on one-way super saver tickets, Doktor Reid will substantially up the ante in
the new year with news that he has "credible intelligence" that a fleet of Thargian hyper-space cruisers
are massing above the dark side of the moon poised to invade Scotland should Alex Salmond become
the new First Minister.

It is thought that the Thargian battle fleet will instantly focus a death ray on Holyrood just as Mr Salmond
rises to deliver one of his trademark uber-smug homilies. So, a good result all round then...

Mad Tony will claim that things in Iraq are calming down mainly because the entire population are either
now dead or have emigrated (see above).

Following Scottish Tory calls for the Stone of Destiny to be moved to Scone, the party in Scotland will
further its new found interest in ancient relics by calling for Margaret Thatcher to be relocated to a secure
facility near Perth.

Top Lib-Dem Menzies Campbell will attempt to set a record for managing to not mention in a speech
some race he won back in the Neolithic era.

Sport

Supporters of Hearts FC will have somewhat further to travel next season as the club’s owner, Vlad The
mploder, announces plans for the Tynecastle team to play in A Lyga...

Christopher Walken confesses that playing the role of Hearts head coach Valdas Ivanauskas has been
one of the greatest challenges of his career.

News that smug git Clive Woodward is lined up for a coaching job with the Welsh national rugby team will
provide Scots with just another reason to distrust the Welsh.

Time will be saved at the 2007 RWC by simply awarding the All Blacks with the trophy prior to a ball being
kicked.

In a touching display of unity over sectarianism the Old Firm will jointly declare their wish to teach the
world to sing in perfect harmony. Debate over choice of song to be used as a teaching aid likely to drag
on for some time.

Transport

Environment

Following record rainfall in November, the Scottish Executive will announce plans to cope with climate 
change by developing a programme of genetic modification allowing Scots to adapt to expected rises in 
water levels.

     
A merman, the day after tomorrow

An Ethel Merman , some time ago

Defence

In a world riven by instability and the threat of nuclear war, Mad Tony will commit the UK to playing its full 
role in the aforementioned by writing a blank cheque made payable to those nice people at the Trident 
Shop. In an attempt to assuage growing disquiet amongst Scottish Labour MPs, the Faslane nuclear 
base will be renamed "Pointless and dangerous job creation project on the Clyde coast."

The SNP, on winning power at Holyrood, will commit a future independent Scotland to a nuclear-free 
defence strategy centring on a host of Scottish regiments all nicely kitted out in tartan trews and kilts and 
then look for somewhere to invade.

Culture

BBC Scotland signals its commitment to innovative and challenging drama by scrapping River City and 
channeling the millions thus saved into new work. And pigs will also fly.

"Actor" Kelly Macdonald will be prosecuted under the Trades Description Act as will John bloody
Hannah.

Well, that’s it for another year chuckle chums. Thanks as always to our Webmistress, our readers and 
supporters. Special mentions to Ian, George, Gwen  and the scary little old lady at the ceilidh.

Finally, what’s the betting that as Steven Pressley exited Tynecastle for the last time, someone 
announced over the tannoy "Ladies and Gentleman, Elvis has left the building"?

Be good.

The Editor, The JT, December 2006.