Scene 1. Ripley’s at the controls of the Nostromo. She’s wearing her space vest and pants. The ship’s cargo hold is full of Aliens held in cryogenic suspension. For reasons that only make sense in movies, Ripley’s taking the Aliens back to base.
The ship gets sucked into a black hole, everything goes wobbly as Ripley and Aliens transported back in time to Edinburgh circa 2001...

Scene 2. Ripley manages to guide the ship towards the airport. The pilot of the 5 o’clock shuttle from Heathrow gets a hell of a fright as the Nostromo follows him down the glide path. On landing, Ripley’s immediately surrounded by Customs & Excise officials who want to check her duty-free allowance. In the confusion, Ripley forgets to put a shilling in the cryogenic meter and the Aliens start to thaw out...

Scene 3. Aliens wake up absolutely starving. They escape from the hold and take a taxi to Pilton in search of prey. Young Pilton mistake the Aliens for Pittodrie casuals and administer a severe kicking. Aliens flee by bus to chip shop in Gorgie Road. Chip shop staff sense something’s not right when Aliens ask for vinegar on their chips.

Scene 4. Ripley contacts the city authorities and describes the terrifying, utterly inhuman appearance of the creatures. The police immediately take action - they arrest Margo MacDonald

Scene 5. Aliens decide to go on the rampage along Princes Street, but this being Edinburgh, people just ignore them. Dispirited, the Aliens take advantage of late night shopping and take a look round Jenners. They emerge with a really nice Spode dinner service which, quite honestly, at 40% off in the sale is an absolute steal...

Scene 6. Aliens gatecrash an Easter Road training session. Alex McLeish signs them up to strengthen the back four.

Scene 7 Flush with signing on fees, the Aliens go on a pub crawl along Rose Street, ending up in The Abbotsford. Edinburgh’s intelligentsia insist on deconstructing the Aliens’ sense of otherness. Aliens think about this for a minute and then do us all a favour - they kill the intellectuals.

Scene 8. Aliens are surrounded by an elite detachment of Social Work’s Conflict Resolution Counsellors. Aliens are invited to get in touch with their feminine, caring side in a non-hierarchical group-work setting. Aliens think about this for a minute and then...

Scene 9. On a visit to a sweetie shop in the Royal Mile, the Aliens exert the massive crushing force of their triple mandibles on boxes of Edinburgh Rock.

Later, as he waits for the novacane to take effect, a kindly dentist explains that Edinburgh Rock was never designed to be eaten - you just give it to people who put it in their sideboards where it sits forever.

Scene 10. As the world’s media descend on Edinburgh to cover the Alien story, STV’s news flagship "West of Scotland Today" leads with the problem of pigeon droppings in George Square.