| Scotland’s health authorities
united this week to reassure the public that the re-emergence of Bubonic Plague in
Scotland after 700 years was "nothing to worry about, probably." Speaking
from the Scottish Disease Control Centre, conveniently located on Antigua, a spokesbubo
told the JT by satellite phone: "There’s no evidence that the current outbreak
is serious. As with any contagious respiratory disease with 100% mortality we would advise
the public to avoid dying where possible and if you see a rat, run like fuck."
Pressed to clarify his remarks, the far away boffin cut the call short worried
that "the germs might come through the ‘phone. Just fuck off and leave me alone.
You’re probably dead already" etc.
The news comes as Scotland is wracked by a series of water and airborne diseases
calling into question the management of public health in the country, with Bearsden hit by
a water bug, but thankfully supplies of spam* were still getting through. |
A source close to the Scottish
Executive acted quickly to allay public anxieties saying; "Mumph, mmph, mumph,
mmph," altho’ the impact of his assurances were somewhat diluted by a dogged
refusal to remove his respirator. Meanwhile, long term African Scotophile
Mbaws Urnae-itchie** told the JT that he won’t be visiting his beloved Scotland this
year: "I’m sorry, but I just don’t fancy a whole course of jags needed to
survive the holiday. I’ll just stay at home with the malaria, cholera and tsetse fly,
it’ll be much safer."
As terrified Scots across the darkening land huddled behind barricaded doors
fearing the reaper’s knock, there was a humorous side to current events: Clarissa
Dickson Wright was burned at the stake for being a witch.
Its an ill-wind eh? |
