"The new lords provost of
Glasgow and Edinburgh will today take their first step towards a civic
"non-aggression pact" aimed at ending the age-old rivalry between the two
cities."
The Herald, 14th August 2003.In what will no doubt come to be seen as an event of
world shattering importance, the Lord Provosts of Glasgow and Edinburgh this week
officially ended the 900 year war between the cities.
In a joint statement, the Provosts tearfully agreed : "For too long our great
riverine civilisations have been needlessly sundered by pointless bickering over the
relative merits of vinegar or brown sauce in the serving of fish and chips. From this day
forth, let the message ring out, in a spirit of unity: Glasgow and Edinburgh are equally
great and it is the rest of Scotland that is pure pish."
The peace declaration will garner immediate benefits, with an exchange of long standing
stereotypes already planned. From the West, crack battalions of cheeky, friendly weegies
will descend on Edinburgh ready to turn over houses and steal cars in a cheeky and
friendly fashion.
While from the East, regiments of tight-arsed
financiers will transform Glasgow’s traditionally raucous pub culture into an oasis
of quiet decorum where everyone sits at separate tables, drinks Evian Water and reads
stock market reports for fun.
Not that Scotland’s other cities are being left out. Already, representatives of
the east coast metropoles of Aberdeen and Dundee are in discussion to improve
communication links between the two centres - with talks to agree to learn to speak
English already far advanced.*
Difficulties in finding a symbiotic partner for Inverness are proving more difficult as
the Highland Capital lacks an adjacent urban location of similar size and environment,
although that problem is being addressed.
Discussions are already underway with the High Council of Planet Thargg to discuss a
twinning arrangement. Planet Thargg is a desolate, barren wilderness with no atmosphere
while Inverness… ( fill in the rest yourself) |
