The latest Scottish Household survey published this week reveals that 42% of Scottish homes have a PC. But, due to sampling errors,the survey failed to record the number of households which, temporarily at least, have literally dozens of PCs reported as being "dead guid yins, wi’ aw that Windaes an’ that."

The statistical discrepancy appears to have arisen due to the narrow parameters used within the sampling frame, with the survey team completely failing to audit Big Shug’s flat in Easterhouse. As Big Shug helpfully explains: " See that Tescos? Well they hud aw these computers in boxes stacked right at the front door. We’re talkin’ yoink city, big man."

It is understood that the probabilistic testing employed in the government survey failed to take into account Big Shug’s access to a 1989

"It's easy, big man"  he told a frankly incredulous JT editor. " I pit oan a tin flute and just walked back and furrit lifting the boxes oot into the car-park."  It is thought that what can only be described as a statistical anomaly will be ironed out by this weekend at the latest, as Shug has already found buyers for the top of the range Pentium 4 machines. "I’ve got punters for aw o’ them, 200 bucks each. Quality man."

Shug intends offering a full after-sales service unrivalled by mainstream re-sellers, as he winningly explains: "Instead of a boot up disk, if anybody complains about the PCS they’ll get a boot right in the nuts just prior to me legging it."

Contacted by The JT, a spokesnormaldistributioncurve for the Household Survey explained that surveys are not normally conducted in the schemes as the government won’t pay out danger money.