| Emergency services on
Bute were put on full alert this weekend with the news that celebrity seamstress Stella
McCartney was getting hitched on the island. The emergency move was green lit as rumours
swept the island that the father of the bride might be persuaded to pick up a guitar and
reprise his Wings Über minger "Mull of bloody Kintyre".
While non-Scots guests at the wedding are unlikely to be affected, Bute locals are at
severe risk from outbreaks of projectile vomiting and running about screaming "Oh,
for the love of Christ, make it stop!"
Local emergency chief, Hector McStereotype told the JT: "It is only a rumour , but
if Sir Paul makes a move to pick up a guitar we’ll go to |
Deaf-Con One - all
locals will immediately stick in ear plugs." As Professor Beaker from Bute’s
Institute of In-comers Studies explains : "While we’re sure that all the
non-Scottish guests at the wedding will be blissfully unaware of how truly awful that
bloody song is, anyone with a drop of Scottish blood in their veins will suffer from what
we scientists call the dry boalk, a distressing condition triggered by the opening chords
going Dong! Ching ching. Dong! ching,ching."
Ms McCartney, who famously doesn’t get on with her stepmother, has been quick to
deny claims that she will have anything to do with hiding Heather’s artificial leg
just prior to the dancing starting… |
