Apparently Scottish Natural Heritage this week have decided to up the ante on the troublesome tiggywinklies on Uist - they’re going to start shooting them. While detached and sane observers might think this move just a wee bit over the top, Professor Beaker, "Head-Mechanic to The Stars" does have a credible explanation.

"This is what we trick-cyclists call a classic displacement activity." The Prof believes that staff at SNH are still acting out over the forced move from Edinburgh, (number of shops offering sun-dried tomatoes = a gazillion) to Inverness ("Whit are sun-dried tomatoes?").

"Obviously staff at SNH are starting to entertain paranoid fantasies about killing the person they see as responsible for making them move from The Capital to somewhere that’s not The Capital. Well-adjusted people see a little hedgehog, SNH staff see a jaggy rodent sporting the head of Jack McConnell."

At this point, Professor Beaker is not prepared to speculate how long this idee fixe is likely to, er, remain fixed, but he does have advice for people passing by the SNH’s current HQ in Edinburgh.

"If you see sunlight glinting off a slim, cylindrical object in the hands of a SNH employee sited in a high tower, run away very quickly."