| With the Executive‘s alcohol control policy in seeming
disarray, top booze boffin Professor Minesalargeyin claimed this week that the government
is in denial. "It’s a classic stage in the alcoholic journey" the
sozzled scientist told the JT. "First it’s just the odd advertising campaign
decrying the devil drink then it escalates to new policies coming out every other week as
booze-related crime and illness levels continue to rise.
What’s needed is a programme of total policy abstinence, then the addict can
sober up long enough to realise that implementing pointless policy initiatives is just a
symptom of the disease - but that moment of epiphany is some way off I’m afraid. By
the way, are you going to finish that pint of lager or can I have it?" |
A source at the Executive poured scorn on the notion that government
was producing too much pointless policy : "We can stop anytime we want. What’s
the harm in introducing a new policy now and then? It’s not as if we’re
producing policy every day. Days go by without us touching a new policy." It is thought that the government’s bingeing on policy derives
in part from the appearance of a big white rabbit who appears every time the government
sobers up enough to seriously consider taxing booze back to the level that obtained in the
1970s. The rabbit, an otherworldly amalgam representing the interests of the alcohol
industry, manifests and then repeats the mantra - |
"Tax bad, affects consumption, reduces gross profit, do
something else, don’t raise tax." Meanwhile,
a spokesplutocrat for the booze business, pausing only to change out of a giant bunny
rabbit outfit, told The JT:
"I think it’s far too early to say that the
Executive’s policy to combat alcohol abuse has failed. I think the policies should be
given time to work, say about 100 years, that sounds about right. Meantime, if you want to
cheer yourself up, just look at the profits we’re making, and if that doesn’t
work, go on, take a drink." |
