The drug, Staten, which has proved effective in reducing cholesterol levels should, senior medics argued, be given free to Scots most at risk from heart attacks.

Professor Beaker explains: "At the last count, 99.99% of the Scottish population are at immediate risk from coronary meltdown; this new drug might keep them breathing for a nano-second longer."

Leading experts in the field of dietary toxicology agreed. Hughie Gubalot told the JT: "It’s the God given right of every true Scot to eat, smoke and drink like bastards. It’s a matter of fundamental human rights that we get this new tablet, whatever it's called, to allow us to continue with our chosen lifestyle."

The miracle drug would cost £16 a month per head to finance but senior economists agree that the money would be well spent. A spokesratio told the JT "It seems like a lot of money but look at it this way, anything that keeps the average Scot indulging in self-administered poisoning has to be good for the economy…"

Researchers working in the heart disease field did suggest that Scots might live longer if they gave up on smoking fags, swilling back bevvie and eating fat on a stick but Mr Gubalot spoke for many when he dismissed such advice as "poof talk."