| Following news that the
return of Christ the King was imminent, Edinburgh city council officials confirmed that
the administrative centre of the new earthly paradise would be based in the city. After banishing Satan and his armies into the Pit for a thousand years, the
Lamb of God announced the decision via his website stating that Edinburgh was an ideal
location, offering good transport links, an attractive environment and a decent range of
restaurants.
Rubbing his hands with ill-disguised glee, Malcolm Missives, partner
in a leading city estate agency, predicted that property prices in the capital were set to
rocket - again. "We'll have all the earthly princes queuing up to pay homage to the
King of Kings, quite frankly, its bonanza time." Mr Missives went on to say that
already bus shelters in Pilton were changing hands "for serious, really serious
money."
Scottish based PR agencies are set to lobby hard in influencing the
future policy decisions of the Son of God. But Alastair Avarice of "Amoral Corporate
Communications" voiced some concern. "Obviously, The Lord of all the World will
only want to deal with people who are meek, mild and unmindful of worldly gain. It'll take
time for the industry to get its head 'round that one…" |
Tommy Sheridan MSP has been
in touch with Jesus via voice-mail and considers the diety's plans to do away with all
want, hunger, grief and pain to be "interesting." The tawny Trot was pleased to
see that the Supreme Being's views on matters of equity were reasonably close to the main
policy positions of the SSP. "It's gratifying to see
that Mr Christ's views chime in with our own position and, subject to conference
ratification, I don't see why the party can't offer him qualified support, providing of
course he agrees to address our completely valid concerns over the totally outmoded
hierarchical structures that permeate paradise."
Leading clergymen from all the Christian denominations expressed
sadness at the return of the Lord, with widespread redundancies feared.
In Glasgow, a spokesman for the Council said that the city was
"disappointed, but not surprised," that Edinburgh had won out again in the
siting of prestigious projects. "They're all just a bunch of spawny bastards."
said the disappointed but not surprised spokesman. |
