| In a week when the Scottish
Executive faced compensation claims from farmers, fishermen and the tourist industry, a
spokesman told the JT, "Fuck it. We give up, just take the money." The new policy development takes a holistic, joined-up thinking
approach to the issue of compensation recognising that "human existence is marked by
fear, loss and coming to terms with the utter futility of bothering to keep
breathing." The new policy means that everyone will have an equal claim on government
revenues as recompense for the pain of being alive.
Under the new regime, instead of government departments
being allocated budgets, the available revenue will simply be placed in a big bowl left
outside the Assembly Rooms. "That way, people can just come along and help
themselves" the spokesman went on, "It's strictly first come, first served, so
I'd get along early if I were you." |
The NFU in Scotland welcomed the
move, "This compensation will allow us to recover from the economic effects of the
current epidemic and get back to doing what we do best - maintaining a totally
unsustainable farming system whilst tooling about in enormous 4X4s and blubbing
unconvincingly about the momentarily premature deaths of animals purely for the benefits
of a gullible media." In a related development,
the first human casualty of Foot and Mouth disease has been humanely destroyed.
Ms Clarissa Dickson Wright, a long term advocate of the
benefits of a totally meat based diet had ingested fatal levels of the Foot and Mouth
virus after eating three cows, four sheep and eight pigs for a mid morning snack. The
Musselburgh Mountain, a long time supporter of fox hunting, was cremated last night atop a
giant bonfire surrounded by an audience of uncouth foxes pissing themselves laughing. |
