"The JT would like to apologise to (insert your name here) for the feature (insert title of feature) . We accept that (your name) has never in fact indulged in (insert descriptive term of act of unparalleled sexual depravity) as stated in the feature. Further we agree that references to (your name again)'s torn faced sense of humour bypass are without warrant and not nice. We further accept that (have you got this yet?) as a public figure is de facto only deserving of uncritical and boundless adulation."

After filling in the form please check that all details are correct and then email the document to whoever you like as long as it isn't me.