| In keeping with the great
tradition of Scottish public schools apeing their English betters, Edinburgh Academy
announced plans this week to introduce drug testing as part of the school curriculum.
Academy spokesgown Torquil McHighlandClearances told the JT: "Eton is already testing pupils for
evidence of le tabac de whack ingestion, so it's only fitting that a Scottish institution
follows this lead."
The new testing regime will involve conjugating the Latin
verb To be ripped, - "I am ripped, you are ripped, he, she, it is ripped
etc." among others.
Senior pupils at the top toffs' finishing facility
will be expected to demonstrate effortless superiority by rolling a fat one with one hand
while ringing up a porter to deliver another pack of Rizlas, tastefully embossed with the
school crest. |
Parents of pupils at the school
are already up in arms over the £50 fee to be levied to underwrite the venture. One top
New Town financial broker with two kids at the school complains that the move will
seriously disrupt already complex budgeting. "We made both Tristan and Isolde limited
companies with charitable status so we could offset school fees against Capital Gains Tax
levied on the holding company that pays the nanny through a shell company registered in
Liechtenstein. Now I am afraid we’ll have to make sacrifices to pay the extra fee out
of current expenditure, £50 isn’t a lot to us but it’s a month’s wages for
the Filipino serf who cleans up after us at home." Our top toffs correspondent has suspected for some time that regular drug use has
long been part of the public school scene "You only have to look at the way pupils dress at Eton. Wearing fancy dress on a day to day basis is a
sure indicator of being completely shitfaced". |
