Senior theologians contacted by the JT have already cast doubt on the feasibility of such an offer. Professor Beaker of Edinburgh University's Department of God Bothering Studies commented : "Say what you like about Catholicism, but as mumbo jumbo goes it’s a pretty unitary doctrinal entity. Now, Presbyterianism on the other hand, let’s face it, we’re talking scores of minuscule doctrinal sects, if they all decide they want a school each, there’ll be a wee free school on every street corner."

Factor in the Tory requirement that it would only take 30 parents to sign up to the new school deal and we can look forward to the prospect of the wilder fringes of Proddy God Botherers setting up evangelical brainwashing academies funded by other people’s money.

The JT tried to contact the EIS Scottish teachers union for comment but since it had gone 3.45pm when we ‘phoned the staff had all fucked off for the day.

Meanwhile, all the major Scottish parties spent the week outbidding each other on dealing with youth crime, altho’ hanging as a solution has yet to feature, presumably because that’s too good for the little bastards.

Social work claims that neds are best dealt with through rehabilitation and addressing offending behaviour are likely to be given scant attention, especially when the JT insists on trivialising the whole debate by recycling a carbon dated gag out of the TV show "Minder".*

Terry (to thief): So what did you do in prison then?
Thief: I took an OU degree in criminal psychology.
Terry: So did that stop you thieving then?
Thief: Christ no, but now I understand why I do it