| Following a Scottish
Executive report that finds Scotland is Tubby Central, sources in the business community
have vowed to help reduce our collective waist measurement. A spokesplutocrat for the agribusiness community warned
against any quick-fix solutions: "It's far too easy just to say people should eat
more fruit and vegetables. Too easy and far too cheap from an industry point of
view."
The spokesplutocrat revealed that the industry is
working on a hi-tech solution to the problem of the nation's blubber mountain. With the
new drug "Lard Ban" Scots will still be able to eat and drink like bastards as
the wonder drug will simply redirect the toxins consumed into a disposable bag positioned
at the lower end of the oesophagus. |
It's then a simple
matter of emptying the bag through a shunt device sticking out handily just below the
sternum. The resultant residue can then
just be flushed away into the sewage system for someone else to deal with.
Speaking from Monaco, the spokesplutocrat
explained: "Our whole business model is predicated on the mass consumption of fat by
poor and stupid people. If the Scots started in on all that Mediterranean diet bollocks
we'd really be in the shite."
We contacted Health Minister Susan Deacon for
comment but she was having her hair brushed. |
