It is expected this week
that the world’s leaders will accept that the existence of life on the planet may be
extinguished within a matter of weeks. The shock conclusion comes in the week when top
scientists concluded that the various ecological crises facing the planet have all
coalesced around one earth-shattering issue: residents of Edinburgh’s New Town
don’t want wheelie bins. As leaders of the world religions instructed their flocks
to prepare for the imminent End of Days, New Town residents appealed to Unesco on the
grounds that the proposed wheelie bins would threaten the area’s status as a World
Heritage Site.
Bravely holding back the tears, a spokessundriedtomato told The JT: "Since time
immemorial it has been the right of residents to put out their rubbish in bleck begs and
sit back and watch dugs and drunks boot them up and down the street. The proposed wheelie
bins would mean the end of civilisation as we know it."
It is thought that if residents are successful in resisting the change, then properties
in the area would have to be restored to their original 18th century fittings,
although it is not clear who would pay for the all electric light and indoor plumbing to
be torn out.
The aesthetically sensitive lambs resident in the New Town complain that the proposed
bins would be ugly and out of keeping with the elegant streetscape envisaged by the
area’s original architects, although at the time of writing it is not clear where the
contemporary omnipresence of massive fuck-off 4x4s owned by said residents fitted into the
original vision either.
