Which presumably means the polis will have to be flexible about entry age…

"As Director of Tulliallan Police College, I’d like to formally congratulate this year’s cadet officer graduates. I’m very pleased to see so many proud parents here today, sharing in the success of their sons and daughters. Before moving to the more formal aspects of today’s ceremony, handing over constable badges, I’d like to take a few moments to reflect on the challenges that will face our new recruits and I address my comments directly to them:

Hands up who knows what we do with bad men? Yes, you, Angus, you first. That’s right Angus we put them in jail don’t we? Well done Angus. No Angus, you don’t get an extra gold star for knowing that, you’re meant to know that. Oh now Angus, there’s no point in starting crying like that. Ah, Angus’s Mum, thank you, yes, you can give him a biscuit, if that’ll shut him up.

Now, who knows what form of words we use when formally charging a suspect? OK Fiona, I can see you had your hand up first, tell the class what the law requires us to say. No Fiona, we don’t say " You smell of jobbie and wee-wee, you poo bum farty fart". Yes, Fiona the whole class has admired your lovely party dress but we don’t need to see your frilly knickers again…

Now, as you all know, the police forces in Scotland discharge their duties in law as set laid down in… Jimmie! I’ve told you before, you’re not to practise restraint holds on wee Michael, No Jimmie I don’t care that you thought Michael was acting suspiciously, take your foot off his neck this minute or you won’t get any party cake.

There’s no point in sulking Jimmie, sulking won’t do you any good when you’re head of Strathclyde’s CID. What? Oh, now you don’t want to be Head of Strathclyde’s CID? Well too bad, you start on Monday.