| Depressing news if you’re a weegie this week, and depressing
news if you’re a weegie the rest of the time. Top boffins have produced a cancer map
of Scotland and most of the red bits, signifying a high incidence of bad news, are centred
on the Dear Deid Place. But on a cheerier note, a different lot of top boffins this week
also announced a 10 year plan to monitor the health of residents of slumland with a view
to, er, producing another report or something. |
Anyway, the idea is that residents will have their health checked
over the coming decade to er, see if they’re feeling OK or something. Somewhat miffed at being passed over when the lucrative research
contract was handed out, Professor Beaker of Paisley’s Department of
Tea’sootology, queried the methodological rationale for the project saying:
"Given the rate at which weegies expire, one has to ask, will anyone be alive at the
end of the decade’s study?" |
Other professors who
did get the contract rebutted Beaker’s critique, telling The JT: "We will be
using survey techniques that will monitor the health of whole households. We fully expect that household pets will still be able to report to
us as the project comes to a close. All we have to do now is to teach cats, dogs and
hamsters to speak. We’ve already had some success communicating with budgies
altho’ they tend to repeat themselves quite a bit." |
