| Earlier reports last week that the
human genome project had succeeded in mapping the entire structure of Human DNA had to be
revised later when scientists working on the project revealed that bits were missing from
the model. A shame-faced Professor Beaker
explained that several brightly-coloured balls had become detached from the model and
"rolled away under the couch." Until the bits can be recovered and stuck back
on, the mapping remains incomplete.
Undeterred, Minister for Health, Susan Deacon told the media
that the project was "an unprecedented set forward in understanding the building
blocks of human life." It would, she claimed, herald major breakthroughs in medical
science possibly ensuring that we'd all live two hundred years and be able to fly unaided,
probably.
When pressed by the media to explain what the project was
actually about, Ms Deacon muttered, "It's to do with atoms and molecules, amino
acids, coloured ping pong balls and stuff like that," while furiously brushing her
hair. |
Elsewhere, news came through that
researchers have developed the technology to allow genetically modified pigs to be reared
and their organs "harvested" for human use. Speaking from his penthouse in Zurich, a spokesman for the Fags and Bevvy
Community welcomed the news: "Our Scottish customers can continue to smoke and drink
like mad bastards secure in the knowledge that if goes it a bit pear-shaped in the liver
and lungs department they can just nick the required organ out of Porkie and his
pals."
God's spokesangel Gabriel confirmed last night that the Deity
was relaxed about humans playing God in this way. "The Almighty's not that bothered,
to be honest, as long as it's OK with the pigs. God's fond of pigs. He'd get really pissed
off if he thought pigs were going to get hurt in any way... I mean, really pissed
off." |
