"We agree with our new boss 100% on this one" a senior source at Queen Margaret Drive told the JT. "The opening up of a two hour slot from 8pm means that we can go ahead with a radical redevelopment of programmes right across our remit range. As long as it's OK with Greg obviously…"

Reported highlights of the new autumn schedules include:

• Another series of network hit "Monarch of the Glen" now stretched to fit the two hour format. Expect to see in-depth, hard-hitting explorations of the characters' lovely niceness.
• Incisive political analysis with the screening of "Through a hedge Backwards" Hair care tips, presented by Roseanna Cunningham.

• Broadening the station's sports coverage, look forward to "Pro-Am Fisting from Carnoustie" Presented by Dougie Donnelly, featuring special guests Alex Salmond and "Heather the Weather"
• The complexities of human emotions are explored in "Yes, I would shag anything" with Anthony Clare and Chick Young.
• A real retro treat with "Carry on up to the Casualty Department" A laugh a minute look at "child care" in Church run homes. Starring Barbara Windsor as "Sister Sadistic Bastardo"
• Completely original and not at all derivative crime drama based on the Sergeant Rhomboid books (now being written) not based in Edinburgh and not starring the "actor" John Hannah. Thank Christ.