| Following the deployment of the
army to shoot sheep and cows with runny noses, Scottish Enterprise was mobilised this week
to offer help to businesses suffering collateral damage in the face of the continuing Foot
and Mouth crisis. Rural tourism is expected to suffer badly as foreign
visitors eschew the opportunities of driving past evil smelling bonfires or stopping to
admire mass burial sites.
A spokesperson for the Enterprise network said that the extra £5m allocated to
offering survival advice to blighted businesses would be put into immediate effect with
crack teams of advisors expected to deploy within days.
"We've already ordered up extra felt pens, those
big sheets of paper you stick up on flip charts and extra supplies of those sticky post it
notes things to facilitate customer-facing brainstorming sessions." |
The teams should be in place to
offer advice all the way through April and into early May. "Unfortunately," the
spokesman told the JT, "We can't guarantee a service after that because that's
getting into June and July when traditionally Scottish Enterprise shuts down as our staff
fuck off to their farmhouses in Tuscany." Elsewhere, VisitScotland,
the nation's tourism agency is promising one big event to attract visitors. At a site yet
to be determined, wheelbarrow loads of other people's money will be tipped into the black
hole that is the agricultural industry.
In return, the industry will make fatuous promises about
future sustainability with fingers firmly crossed. |
