And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth and indeed, much throwing of toys out of the pram, because Friar John reckoned he was due a bigger gaffe what like Bishop McConnell had secured, but his protestations were to no avail.

And he metteth up with Friar Tommy of the SSP order and asketh of him: "Don’t you think all party leaders should get a bigger office?"

And Friar Tommy replied, saying: "I’m just glad my office has got a door, although it will taketh me ages to train SSP colleagues to use it rather than having a quick swatch ‘round before diving in the windae which is usual way our lot get in and out of places."

And John sighed heavily and with leaden feet, took his Tesco bags full of stuff and made his way to the lift in search of his new office.

But a jannie stoppeth him, saying: "No need for the lift Mr Swinney, your office is on the ground floor with breathtaking views of the wheelie bins,"  and Friar John sighed leadenly and with heavy feet trudged onward into his office.

And there Friar John remained, until one day, sitting at his desk, he heard the sound of scraping and tapping outside his door. And he openeth the door to find Friar Salmond, lately returned from the London priory, bricking up the doorway. And Friar John asketh of Friar Alex :"Why are you bricking up the entrance to my office?" And Alex replied, saying: "Security measures, John, didst thou not get the memo?"

And John started to stick his stuff back into Tesco bags, preparing to vacate the office and Alex stoppeth him saying : "No, no, John. I need you to stay in the office and check that the wheelie bins are emptied, Thursdays and Mondays." And Friar John’s heart soared: a proper job at last!

But as Friar Alex placed the last brick, sealing in John forever, John suddenly remembered something, asking of Alex, "But Alex, won’t I be needed in the debating chamber, as leader of the SNP?" And Alex replied : "Ah, there’s been a change of plan there, didst thou not get the memo?"