| It had to happen
didn’t it? We enjoyed a brief halcyon period in Scotland, freed from religious
stricture on the ends of having your end away, when we could enjoy sexual congress just
because it was fun or because the telly was crap. But now? As you were.
Apparently, the boffins are telling us we need to produce more sprogs to sustain growth
in the Scottish economy. Confused? Don’t worry, the next time you experience trouser
arousal just refer to the JT’s handy check list to ensure resultant economically
necessary impregnation. OK, so it means that we won’t be allowed to enjoy sex for its
own sake, but remember, we’re Scots. We’re not meant to enjoy things…
- In choosing a sexual partner, ensure that the object of your affections does not possess
genitalia identical in type to your own.
- Make sure your chosen partner is fertile. Having eggs and sperm checked takes time, so
have a book to read while lying in bed waiting for the results to come back.
|
- Just fancying the arse off someone is not a
sufficiently good reason to have sex. If male, ensure that your potential partner
has good child bearing hips and a nurturing nature. If female, check that it isn’t
just a gun in his pocket.
- Spontaneity is for rabbits. Ensure that sexual
congress only takes place when the female partner is ovulating and the male partner has
had a shower recently.
- Have sex immediately when ovulation is occurring. Ignore the incredulous stares of your
fellow passengers on the train to work.
- Oral sex? Do you really have to ask?
That’s it. Just follow the above guidelines and you can be sure of doing your bit
to ensure the nation’s future prosperity. And remember, while Woody Allan famously
remarked that "sex between two people is a beautiful thing. Sex between five people
is fantastic," he wasn’t thinking about Scots at the time… |
