John Murray Esq,
Publisher and Antiquarian Bookseller,
Edinburgh
September, Early 18something or other.
My Lord Somebody or other,
I beg leave to remind your lordship that, some nine months
ago, you graciously elected to avail yourself of our company’s most humble offer to
dispatch five recently published folios of great artistic merit to yourself on receipt
from yourself of one gold sovereign, with all attendant costs of expeditious dispatch by
mounted messenger being met by ourselves.
It pains me to remind your Lordship, of your undertaking in
return to purchase an additional three volumes at the cost of one guineas each within the
first year of your association with our company.
You will no doubt also recall that we have dispatched to
you on a monthly basis, a most fine catalogue of our current holdings with our own
recommendations humbly appended.
I regret that from our records, we note you have only, to
date, purchased but one volume, namely "Sir Jeremy Clarkson’s 100 fastest Stage
Coaches".
May I therefore humbly remind your Lordship of the other
finely bound works of great literary merit available for your consideration?
Lately arrived by fast mail coach we have, in stock, Sir
Jamie of Olivier’s most recent discourse on matters culinary "101 things to do
with Jugged Hare."
Or, perchance Her Ladyship might enjoy a leisured perusal
of "What pelisse not to wear" by the Ladies Trinny and Susannah.
Further and most suitable for reading aloud gathered
‘round a blazing fire as winter’s frosts leave ghostly white breath on the
window pane, may we recommend , penned by our own Ian Rankin Esq, "Inspector
Rebus’s lost case" wherein this denizen of Edinburgh’s constabulary
investigates the distressing disappearance of a stout trunk most suitable for long sea
voyages.
I trust you will agree, My Lord, that the above should whet
the most jaded literary palate and look forward to your instruction.
Failing that, we will have no choice but to have recourse
to remitting to you our own selection of Folio of the Month, perchance leading your
lordship to exult "Christ, I forgot to tick the "no" box again.
Bollocks."
I remain, yours
John Murray, Publisher, Antiquarian Bookseller and early
purveyor of really annoying junk mail…
