Proud holder of the
all-comers record in teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, Scotland will
now benefit from a multi-million pound investment in sex education. Announcing the new
money, bum-chinned Health Minister Andy Kerr told Parliament:"For too long, we as
a nation have failed to engage with the need to talk honestly and frankly about, erm, you
know, what happens when a man and a lady really, really love each other. We would ask our
young people to exercise restraint, thinking deeply about doing, er, it, before tearing
each other's kit off and going at it like knives"
The new cash, aimed at improving the nation’s appalling sexual health record, will
be used as educators see fit, with pupils in Catholic Schools continuing to receive a
"traditional" religious perspective on human sexuality.
An attractively costumed cleric told The JT: "We’ll be preaching abstinence
and self-restraint to our pupils, with a bit of de facto homophobia thrown in, and we
confidently predict that no Catholic kids will ever engage in risky sexual activity. What
are you all laughing at?"
In future, any Catholic kids presenting at their GPs for treatment for, (ahem),
"plumbing" related conditions and ailments will still receive medical help but
the resultant invoice will now be dispatched to the local diocese.
Elsewhere on planet politics this week, there was widespread misunderstanding over the
plan to throw a security cordon around Holyrood as G8 leaders meet at Gleneagles in July.
A Lothian and Borders spokesplod told The JT: "People have really got the wrong
end of the truncheon on this. It’s not about protecting MSPs by keeping out hordes of
unkempt anarchists turning up to protest about the G8 summit. The purpose of the cordon is
to keep MSPs in. Imagine the security implications of scores of publicity hungry MSPs
turning up at Gleneagles desperate for a photo-op. Now that would really be
anarchy…"
