But speaking from under his duvet after phoning in sick, Professor Beaker of Strathclyde’s Centre for Jackanory Studies insisted that the report’s findings should be treated with some caution.

"Let’s face it, people responding to a survey about being off work on the pat and mick are unlikely to say, ‘After a night on the piss, I just can’t be arsed going into work in the morning’. Rather, they’re much more likely to come up with some kind of positive statement about managing health problems because it sounds better."

Professor Beaker then hurriedly cut short his telephone interview with The JT because "Trisha" was coming on.

96% of the Scots surveyed said that having regular work was good for health, but not every bloody day obviously. 66% of Scottish respondents wanted workplaces to provide advice on healthy lunchtime eating - preferably delivered in the form of a leaflet that could then be scanned quickly, dismissed with the muttered phrase "Loadapish" and consigned a nano-second later to the bucket.

We contacted senior management figures in Scotland for their reaction to the report’s findings but the switchboards said they were all off with an (ahem) "upset stomach".