| Yet another report published this
week outlining the nation’s suicide pact with alcohol has led many commentators to
ask : "Are we becoming addicted to reports?" One social analyst told the JT:
"It just creeps up on you. First it's just a little note on health indicators once in
a while and then before you know it, you’re mainlining on 400 page documents with 30
pages of references every other week. It's just too stressful. I’ll tell you, if it
wasn’t for the solace of alcohol I’d just crack up."
This week’s report on the nation’s drinking habits noted that high-profile
advertising campaigns were having no effect on the upward trend in booze related malky.
A spokessincerity for the Health Education Board
stressed that TV campaigns were carefully targeted. |
"Our key demographic in
these campaigns is the 18-25 age group, that’s why the ads go out after 7.30pm at the
end of the week, when our target audience are all sitting at home, watching the telly. Oh
hang on, I’ve just thought that one through, forget I said anything…" A
spokesdealer for the Legal Acquired Addictive Behaviours Community told the JT: "As
responsible members of the business world, we always lay great stress on the need for
moderation. For example, we would not advise consumers to continue enjoying our fine
products after falling into an alcohol induced coma, this would obviously be harmful and
is to be avoided. Apart from that, drinking is healthy. By that I mean that our profit
margins are very healthy, thanks for asking."
Pausing only to gub another tequila shooter, a representative of the nation’s Lad
culture told the JT "All these warnings about alcohol are OK for older people. But
I’m only 19, and I’m going to live forever". |
