| With the bird population of Uist
under merciless attack from rampaging hordes of hedgehogs, help for the beleaguered avian
population came from an unexpected source this week - The Royal Navy. Rear
Admiral Brize-Norton, pausing only to fire up his briar, told the JT "With our
ability to launch 4.5inch shells over vast distances, we could easily knock out this
prickly threat to all we hold dear."
The offer comes after the RN quashed fears about accuracy after an errant shell
fired at the Cape Wrath range landed half a mile from houses at Loch Eriboll. Rear Admiral
Brize-Norton, tamping a hearty plug of ready-rubbed into his bowl, sipped from a mug of
cocoa and explained that there was never any risk to residents. "It was all planned.
Lobbing high explosive projectiles around might seem a bit risky, but it was worth it for
that Bang-Whee-Splash! sequence that we in the Navy find so satisfying."
If the offer to take out the hedgehog menace is taken
up, the Navy will position their latest frigate the HMS Braille off the coast of Uist and
lay down a bombardment designed to consign the jaggy bird-murderers to perdition, guided
by the latest shut-eyes-fire-gun-hope-for-best software. |
A spokesspiney for the local
Erinaceus community told the JT: "We were brought here to eat slugs, but we’re
very partial to a nice omelette which does involve the breaking of eggs
unfortunately." The proposed cull of the hedgehogs is being mooted
by the be-bearded hairy jumpers who run Scottish Natural Heritage whose mission statement
reads: "We exist to protect the fauna of this, our native land. Except hedgehogs of
course, because we hate those little bastards."
As the authorities considered the naval offer, Cally McBrayne have suspended
operations of the Arran Ferry just to be on the safe side.
And in late breaking news, following the US Navy warning a passenger aircraft
out of dangerous airspace on Tuesday last, British Airways announced today that all
Glasgow-Benbecula flights will in future detour via Reykjavik. |
