| In the week when the crew of HMS
Scotsman passed a resolution of no confidence in Captain in Chief Andrew Neil, the
beleaguered be-loofah-haired one dismissed all talk of the vessel being in trouble. Speaking
from the only part of the ship without portholes, Captain Neil told the JT: "All this
talk of the ship heading towards a massive storm wave marked ‘No readers’ is the
work of a few malcontents or, the entire editorial team, if you prefer that term. The
truth is, all is well apart from one issue of burning importance - a quart of strawberry
ice-cream is missing and I’m determined to find out who is responsible."
Pausing only to nervously rattle a handful of ball bearings, Captain Neil
asserted that all was in order. "It's well known that everything is hunky and indeed
dory. The ship is set fair to steam on to yet higher circulation figures and bigger
advertising revenues and, if there is a short term problem, I’ll simply radio the
Barclay Brothers and they’ll send out a supply ship laden with more fuel, or cash, if
you prefer that term." |
In a final act of defiance, Captain
Neil directed the Scotsman’s 4-inch guns at the Edinburgh office of the NUJ,
destroying, with pinpoint accuracy, The Arran ferry. Long term readers of
the JT will remember that the travails of the HMS Scotsman have featured before in these
august pages, but in the earlier gags, the editor had skilfully worked in a quite
brilliant metaphor nicked form the Terminator movies, with Mr Neil rendered as a mad super
computer.
After reading today’s maritime related offering, a disgruntled JT reader
told the, er, JT, "I don’t think the naval reference works that well. Perhaps if
Neil had taken on the persona of Captain Bligh this whole rather thin gag would’ve
worked better."
The JT editor conceded this point but asserted that he was in charge and he
could do what he liked and, in any case, "The Caine Mutiny" was a really good
movie. So there. |
