"Good evenin’ guys ‘n’ gals and welcome again to my show, where yours truly, Supreme Pontiff, The Vicar of Christ and all that, attempt to fix it for the good people who write into the show.

I have here, in my hand, a letter from a young man, Jimmy Savile, and this is what he say :"Dear Pope, As a young boy, I was mortally ill, until my mother, The Duchess, as I called her, prayed for a divine intercession through the memory of Mary Sinclair.

Could you fix it for me to make Mary Sinclair a saint on account of how she saved my life, allowing me to grow up to entertain all the guys ‘n’ gals with my slightly sinister overly-friendly schtick that produced a vague sense of unease among viewers especially when I sat close to kids on my show what used to be on the telly, goodness gracious, howsabout that then, guys ‘n’ gals."

Well, young Jim, I’ve had a word with the powers that be, as it were, and it turns out that saving a life through divine intercession is normally a supportive factor in the beatification process. But, bad news I’m afraid, it doesn’t count if the person whose life is saved, turns out to be a gimlet-eyed twat who creeps everyone out. So no can do, little Jimmy, but we will be sending you a Stylophone and a Spacehopper to make up for it…

Now then, now then, moving on. I have here another letter, this time, from a young man called Tony Blair who asks: "Dear Pope, Could you fix it for me so that people don’t think I’m lying my fuckin’ head off about WMD."