| Mad as a banjo Immigration
Minister Beverley Hughes announced this week plans to insist new immigrants undergo a
citizenship ceremony before being allowed to just get on with their lives. "The
ceremony will be a joyous affirmation of UK citizenship", Immigration Department
officials told The JT, "It will reflect traditional British values like tolerance,
fair play and justice for all. Which is why we’re making it compulsory but in a
tolerant, even handed and just way."
Aware that public opinion in The UK (i.e. readers of The Sun) express concern over
foreigners insisting on talking funny, Barkin’ Bev insists the new citizenship
process will include compulsory language lessons prior to the ceremony.
Immigration Department Officials told the JT: "It won’t count against Johnny
Foreigner if he can’t say the oath properly, as long as he’s prepared to walk
across red hot coals we’ll let him off. We don’t want to be too strict, I mean
it's meant to be a joyous affirmation of citizenship, admittedly one you can’t say no
to." |
With a pilot project planned for
Glasgow, the detail of the ceremony raises intriguing questions. Intending citizens are
required to take an oath promising to be good citizens - but only after they’ve taken
an oath swearing fealty to the Queen, effectively promising to be good subjects. So, which
is it? Subject or Citizen? "That’s a good question" a senior civil servant
admitted to the JT: "But thankfully I don’t have to answer to you, so you can
just piss orf." Professor Beaker of Glasgow’s You Couldn’ t Fuckin’
Make it Up Could You? Studies agrees that the process could throw up some interesting
anomalies: "It could create a two tier citizenry here in Scotland. On the one hand,
new citizens who swear allegiance to Her Margeness so they get left alone, and the others,
existing citizens who, outside of Ibrox season tickets holders, wouldn’t take a Royal
oath unless their life or an MSP sized salary was at stake."
As Professor Beaker concludes : "This daft idea is just so New Labour. It combines
ancestor worship with authoritarianism overlaid with a nod to social democratic values. I
bet Tony just loves it." |
