| With plans to move Scottish Natural
Heritage staff to Inverness from Edinburgh deadlocked, the Scottish Executive is likely to
order a humane cull of SNH staff. A Scottish Executive spokesclub told
The JT: "It's unfortunate but the delicate ecology of the Edinburgh environment is
under threat, due to too many civil servants. A humane cull is the only solution."
To reinforce the point the spokesclub showed disturbing video footage of
Stockbridge with bars, cafes and antique shops clearly overrun by people in scratchy
jumpers.
"If we don’t take action now," the spokesclub explained ,
"by the year 2010, Edinburgh will be completely overrun by civil servants, leading to
chronic local shortages of Evian water, sundried tomatoes and olive oil."
There is some hope however, with humanitarian organisations offering to trap and
release SNH staff elsewhere in Scotland. The plan would involve placing person-sized
packing cases from IKEA around the capital’s leafier suburbs, baited with |
loaves of ciabatta, gleaming
stainless steel kitchen stuff and lists of Tuscan farmhouses available to rent. When entrapped, SNH staff could be set free in other areas of Scotland
that they’ve never visited before - like the countryside for example.
The Scottish Executive spokesclub told The JT: "It's
vitally important that government jobs are distributed throughout Scotland to avoid the
Edinburgh economy becoming superheated and over-built." Oblivious somewhat of the
irony in that statement given the muckle great Parly building taking shape across the
road.
It is thought that First Minister Jack McConnell will show the way by giving up
his official residence, Bute House, and decamping to a portakabin in Motherwell, although
it's quite possible I just made that bit up.
Stung by the implied criticism of the Highland Capital as a residential
location, a representative teuchter started to list "Top Ten Countdown of Great
Things about Inversneckie" but got stuck on something to put at "Number10". |
