Look, I’m sorry and everything, and I do appreciate you making the effort taken to get here to check, but it's jist no happening. You see, The JT, along with lesser organs of record, has been struck by that summer malady known as "the silly season". Briefly, for all you non-hacks out there, this basically means that politicians, whose doings make up 99% of what passes for "news", have all fucked off to Abroad for their holidays. A situation leaving hackdom with acres of white space to fill and nothing with which to fill therein.

And in Scotland, just like the schools coming out three weeks early, our politicians skive off a fortnight before their Southern cousins, so you see my problem. In addition, the few scant stories that might have been stretched to a half-decent gag or two have arrived on my desk (top) already pre-satirised and thus can’t be improved upon.

I mean, just look at the hoo and indeed hah surrounding The Church’s last minute decision to kibosh shared-campus schools in Lanarkshire. And the reason? Well, according to spokesclerics for that particular brand of God-bothering, shared facilities in schools would erode something called "The Catholic ethos".

Now this term is conveniently very vague and happily lends itself to a number of interpretations, none unfortunately, which allow the words "rationality" and "Catholicism" to comfortably share adjoining berths in the same sentence. However, as far as I can make out, "Ethos" is some late addition to the traditional Holy Trinity of Father, Son and Holy Ghost. This innovative but still happily, spirit-like entity apparently beneficially hangs around Catholic schools adding something extra to the educational experience. I think the best way of incorporating this innovation into Church teaching is to see "Ethos" as a sort of first reserve deity who helps out The Trinity when they’re especially busy.

And then there was the earth shattering revelation, emanating from the Borders town of Innerleithen, that a hack on the local rag had been caught out mis-captioning the pictures marking the town’s annual ritual, which involves, for some reason, burning an effigy of Satan. The draft captions, unfortunately for the hack concerned, made the actual print edition of the paper as in: "Caption, caption about these pious little bleeders and the lady busser doing that interminably boring thing so cherished by Border festivals. What on earth is going on in this picture? - these people have got to get out more often for their peace of mind and sanity."

Now in a rational world, that hack would’ve been given an award for services to sanity, since the persistence of these Border festivals strongly suggests that there aren’t many competing recreational activities available and yes, the inhabitants of these towns might benefit from getting out a bit more, or reading a book, or even just colouring in a book. But, no. The editor of the rag, (mindful no doubt of advertising revenue), issued a fulsome apology, allowing the still restive locals to sink back into their sincere belief that what they do every bloody year is not profoundly stupid. Meanwhile, I suppose that next year, the hapless Sub who committed the crime of having a sense of humour can look forward to occupying a central role when the locals are looking for something to burn.

Crushingly boring story of the week? Step forward and be knighted The Scotsman which ran a story mid-week with the promisingly enticing headline : "Talent and quality of life seen as Capital's greatest assets". To what could this refer? The wealth of cultural resources our Capital enjoys perhaps? The world class social and environmental infrastructure? Er, no.

The story was actually about how Fund Managers rate Edinburgh as a financial centre, how it’s a real hotbed of equity trading , how its zzzzzzzzzz… Yes , you’ve guessed it, how its impossible to get to the end of the feature without falling asleep.

Finally, you know how I said all the politicians have gone quiet? Well, I lied.

For Alex Salmond, the Prince Over The Water, or The Potentate in Waiting In Westminster, or whatever the press are calling him this week, has apparently been assiduously courting those deputy leadership contenders for the SNP whose names are not Nicola Sturgeon. Now, I can see why Mr Salmond might want to lay down a few each-way bets on the outcome of the contest for the deputy leadership, but speaking as a strict neutral, is this not all a wee bit previous? Maybe someone should take Alex aside and get him to look up hubris in the dictionary.