| With über-weirdy Nicola Sturgeon making a strong early showing in the
battle to become leader of the SNP, the editor of the JT was this week forced to concede
that God may well exist. He told himself: "While the sheer grinding cruelty
of human existence might throw into question the whole idea of a benevolent deity
intervening to produce beneficial outcomes, the prospect of Nicola becoming SNP leader
strongly suggests that God knows how difficult it is to find stuff to satirise weekly, and
he’s trying to help out. Nice one God."
Certainly, political analysts are agreed: when it comes to out and out fuckin’
weirdness Nicola easily outstrips her competitors in the race for the top job on SNP
World. While Mike Russell has only his speccy twatness to fall back on, and Roseanna
Cunningham has to rely on a succession of comedy hair dos, only Nicola stands alone as a
full-on-freak-you-right-out-space-alien. |
And Professor Beaker, of
Stirling’s Department of "It Lives! It Lives !" Studies, says we’re
right to be totally creeped out by Nicola: "It’s a perfectly normal human
reaction: when confronted by what’s basically an otherworldly amalgam of
psychological tics barely held together by a twinset she’s nicked from her
Granny’s wardrobe, our rational mind tells us either to run away very fast or,
alternatively, hang around until she starts talking bollocks and then have a good
laugh."
Meanwhile, John Swinney is thought to be taking his imminent dispatch into the dustbin
of history philosophically. The shiny-pated one told The JT: "I’ll be taking
some time out to reflect before returning to the political scene. And I can assure Nicola
that if she is elected leader then I’ll give her the same unconditional support she
accorded me." Cue gales of hollow laughter. |
