The bad news is that it’s the bloody cricket World Cup and not the real one.

With the Scottish team heading for St. Kitts in 2007 it is now beholden on every true Scot to (a) pretend to like cricket and (b) pretend to understand what the (ahem) "sport" is about.

The game, as exciting as rounders played while under the influence of valium, boasts a long and illustrious history none of which is of any interest whatsoever.

A spokessillymidoff told The JT: "Cricket is England’s gift to the sporting world - but don’t let that put you off." Apparently it’s the only game in the world where its possible to play for three days and still draw. Spectators can safely doze quietly for hours, secure in the knowledge that nothing exciting will happen while somnolently engaged.

The game appears to be structured around eating opportunities, with frequent breaks being taken for lunch, tea and impromptu snacking on stuff you find when looking in the fridge.

But in the field of utterly pointless activities, Scotland still leads the world - yes, we gave golf to the world and we’re really, really sorry.

Over on the planet with oddly shaped balls, Clive Woodward insisted last week that The Lions’ uber-stuffing at the hands of The Kiwis was not his fault.

The eminently punchable one told The JT: "Overall I’m convinced that fielding a side largely made up of English players well past their play-by date was the correct strategy. The trifling fact that we lost the series 3-0 should not detract attention from my God-like strategic genius."