| Announcing to a largely
indifferent world that the Tories in Scotland will now ballot party members on the choice
of SP candidates, party supremo and well known big ride David McLetchie told a barely
awake media: "The new system will ensure that our MSP list will reflect more
accurately the mind-set of our average member - Oh Christ, I’ve just thought that
through, we’re fucked." As the full implication of what they’d done began
to penetrate the consciousness of local Tory bigwigs, senior academics who can be arsed
studying the party agreed that the new "one loony, one vote" system was likely
to produce an MSP candidate list more representative of the Tory Party as a whole.
Policy analyst Professor Beaker told the JT:
"Let's face it, the average Scots Tory is 120 years old, thinks The Daily Mail is
soft on asylum seekers and has trouble staying awake for more than two minutes at a time.
Can you imagine what type they’d pick to be MSP candidates?" |
Although Tory Party huge toupees
are understandably vexed that they face the next election fielding a bevy of barkers,
Professor Beaker does offer a crumb of comfort: "Obviously, no sane person would vote
for a Tory, but thanks to the list system, other members of that particular lunatic asylum
will ensure that at least a few of their members at large in the real world get in.
Isn’t democracy wonderful?" Elsewhere in the wonderful whacky world of
Scottish politics, First Minister Jack McConnell denied any knowledge of plans to hire 40
new policy analysts. He told an endearingly credulous JT editor : "The civil service
lads are always at me to sign things, how was I to know I was signing a cheque for £10k
worth of recruitment advertising? I thought it was to pay for the parliamentary milk
bill."
Unusually for Civil Service positions, applicants must submit a recent (ahem)
"glamour" photo of themselves," Its so we can screen out the complete bow
wows early doors" the FM explained lasciviously… |
