| Tired of dealing with the medical
mayhem caused by the Scots' collective liking for doing fuck all, the government this week
pledged this week to address the nation’s fitness problems by appointing a Russian
Tsar as, er, Tsar. "Look at Russian history" a government
spokessphygmomanometer told the JT: "say what you like about feudal Russia but most
serfs were as a fit as fuck."
The new appointee, Tsar Peter the Sadistic, plans to abolish parliamentary
democracy, reinstate feudal vassalage and invade Poland. Again.
Speaking from St.Petersburg Tsar Peter refused to answer The JT editor’s
questions, preferring to having him flogged for his impertinence, damn his eyes. |
The new system of indentured
servitude will involve the entire Scottish population tilling the land by hand for 16
hours a day, sustained only by the occasional potato doled out on Orthodox Church feast
days. Great swathes of the landscape will be made over to acres of
ill-roofed mud huts with no sanitation or street lighting - much like present day
Coatbridge except way better.
Until the new Tsar comes into post, Health promotion bodies will continue to
press home the health message in a series of TV ads, ever hopeful that the Scottish target
audience will prove too lazy to reach for the remote to turn the telly off. |
