| As England fans celebrated their
team’s victory against Denmark in Niigata on Saturday, one England fan was painfully
regretting taking a wrong turn. The fan, leader of England’s mariachi cum oompah
whatever-the-fuck-it-is brass band, had earlier entertained the watching millions during
the game with spirited renditions of the theme from "The Great Escape" followed
by the theme from "The Great Escape" again and then again, until the watching
millions prayed for death or deafness.
After the game, the Oh so lovable face of English fandom parped their way into downtown
Niigata ending up at a local bar. Unfortunately the bar was hosting the AGM of the local
Caledonian Society.
Wincing in pain, band-leader face-slappingly
cheerful Cockney Cor LuvvaDuck recalled later that "We’d just started into the
first few bars of God Save The Queen when the trumpet was pulled from my hands and
inserted into my anus." |
The duty surgeon at the local
A&E confessed that removing the errant Boosey and Hawkes product was a tricky business
-"How the Scots responsible had managed to push it up parpy end first I’ll never
know, altho’ I understand a mallet was involved." Elsewhere on Planet Fitba
the Tartan Army are convening an emergency meeting to discuss the totally unacceptable
behaviour of English fans in Japan. A spokescanofsuper explained : "The followers of
the Forces of Darkness are being too nice therefore undercutting our normal position of
moral superiority."
It is thought that the Tartan Army may have to review their normal enthusiastic
friendliness when Scotland travels abroad to get ritually gubbed. The spokesetc explained,
again, "I don’t know what we’ll do now. One of the student laddies at the
meeting suggested we should all dress up as French existentialists, puff Gauloises, and
project an air of studied insouciance but I’ve no idea what that word
means…" |
