Lovers of Rich Tea biccies the world over can now dip away safe in the knowledge that the threat to all we hold dear has been averted.

As Professor Beaker of Paisley’s Department for Things to Dip in Your Tea now confirms the consequences of the madman’s plan to defile digestives would’ve been catastrophic: "The economic impact of grannies nation-wide being deprived of the circular comestible would probably have led to a black market in un-cut Rich Tea biscuits spiralling out of control."

The professor painted a bleak picture of the possible scenario, with grannies being forced either to pay astronomical prices for the tea-related tasty-bite or face the agonies of withdrawal. "With many grannies regularly getting through a packet of Rich Teas a day between settling down in front of Lorraine Kelly, followed by This Morning, Countdown and Richard and Judy, the sudden withdrawal of Rich Tea supplies would’ve wreaked havoc among the digestively dependent."

Indeed, police historians still recall with a shudder the "Caramel riots" of the early 1960s when Tunnock’s Caramel Wafers briefly vanished from shop shelves due to a shortage of tunnocks.

Rioting geriatrics held the nation to ransom for several hours until heavily armed police intervened, showering the rampaging oldies with British Cream Sherry until, overcome, the grannies all went off for a wee lie-down.