With Scotland’s
numpties scoring more goals than the Moldovan numpties in the do or die World Cup qually
at Hampden, lexicographers worked long into Saturday night to come up with a new word to
describe the totally novel situation that presented itself. Professor Beaker of
Stirling’s Department of Hingmie studies told The JT of the difficulties presented by
the Hampden achievement: "In the context of our fitba team playing anyone foreign,
we’ve been used to describing the outcome in terms of losing, being gubbed or
blootered aff the park. Coming up with a word that describes the converse is proving
problematic. Oh, wait! No, I thought I had it there, but it's gone. Bugger."
Archivists were called in early on Sunday morning to scour ancient manuscripts to see
if our ancestors had an appropriate term to describe the experience of not losing.
Finally, as dawn broke over a Scotland still completely pissed from the night before,
the archivist search finally bore fruit. A dusty, fragile parchment from the 14th
Century records Scotland’s victory against foreign opposition:
"And the brave young men of Caledonia didst strike the pig’s bladder into the
opposition’s netted encampment thrice without reply, thus winning the game."
That’s it! "Winning", as in, we won.
