Planned highlights include: a visit to Maggie McDuff's local tea shop at 1.55 pm to be told that everything's off and, in any case, "we stop serving lunches in September."

To the pub next, where on entering The McDuff Arms all the locals stop talking, the piano player halts in mid-chord and all that can be heard is the crashing sound of a pin dropping to the floor.

Next a visit to the bright lights of downtown Dornoch, that go from red to amber and then to green before, in an awe inspiring finale, they triumphantly turn back to red.

Some shopping next with a visit to Hughie McDuff's Quality Outfitters to the Genetically Challenged. Although Mr Duff specialises in selling tweed underpants, Madonna is sure to appreciate the newly opened Groovy Gear Boutique section set up at the back of the shop in a cupboard, featuring up to the minute high fashion items from the 1971 Falmer jeans collection.

And finally then to the wedding itself in the majestic surroundings of Dornoch Cathedral where the local minister will spend half an hour berating whores who breed out of wedlock before inviting the star to take a central role in a traditional witch burning ceremony.

Later, as Madonna's charred remains hiss and spit in the drizzle, locals will celebrate well into the afternoon by pointing awe-struck at the supernatural magic that is the Inverness bus.