| As the Tories' national leader Ian
Duncan Smith prepares to visit Scotland prior to the May elections, senior figures within
the Scottish Party this week issued a plea - asking the bald bombsite to change his plans. A
source close to the Scottish Party told The JT: "We’re asking IDS to find
something else to do. We don’t need his help up here, we’re perfectly capable of
ballsing up the election on our own."
As IDS presses on with his travel plans, it is thought that the Scottish party
are resorting to increasingly desperate measures to put the shiny pated ambulatory
disaster area off. At the party’s Edinburgh HQ, staff have been instructed not to
answer the phone, in case it's IDS asking about the price of B&Bs in the Auld Reekie
area. |
Faxes from Edinburgh to Smith
Square announce that the May elections in Scotland have been cancelled so there’s no
need to visit, and Mr Smith’s home has been inundated with travel brochures extolling
the delights of faraway places. Professor Beaker of Strathclyde’s
Department of Slap Headed Loony Studies, concurs with the Scottish tactic. "At a time
when the Scottish Tories are attempting to present a sane and rational face in the hope of
fooling at least some of the electorate, the last thing they need is for a fruit loop like
IDS to turn up. I mean, have you every looked into that guy’s eyes? He’s
fuckin’ barkin’."
Elsewhere on planet politics, First Minister Jack McConnell, with war with Iraq
looming, at first reacted with relief on reading in the JT that May’s elections had
been cancelled, until realisation sunk in that as usual, it was all a cruel hoax in the
service of a piss-poor gag. |
