He told frankly disbelieving media that Parkhead had received no enquiry from the Bundesliege behemoths. However, it is understood that reception staff at Parkhead are under strict instructions to put the phone down if anyone with a German accent makes contact. Martin himself fearful of unwanted Hunnish interest in the on-loan striker, has taken to answering personal phone calls by pretending to be Chinese and offering free delivery of chow mein specials within a 10 mile radius.

Elsewhere on planet fitba, out-of-form Dunfermline, facing the drop, await the final ruling on the Pars’ artificial pitch. Under-fire Dunfermline boss Davy Hay told The JT: "We’re not only keen to hang on to our plastic pitch but next season we’re hoping to introduce plastic players as well. Let’s face it, they couldn’t be any worse that the pile of pish we’ve been fielding this season."

Over on planet rugby, Matt Williams finally got his jotters as coach of the national squad, the pain of his dismissal somewhat assuaged by a £250000 pay off.