| There were calls this week for Fife polis to form an "Armed
Response Unit" in the face of burgeoning armed crime in the Wild East. However, Fife
locals the JT spoke to consider the initiative somewhat premature. Mrs Fifestereotype,
speaking from some post-industrial charnel house just outside Kirkcaldy, told the JT:
"Ah phoned the polis last week about the bairns eh? They’re aye battering the
ba’ against the gable end of the hoose, eh? And the polis huvnae turned up yet.
Eh?"
Local calls for an "Any- Response-At-All-Unit", reflect the difficult
operational conditions facing the Fife Constabulary, |
mainly to do with Fife’s record as Mad Bastard Drivers Central.
As the top spot in Scotland for dying horribly in head-on collisions, police in Fife
have their hands full dealing with the whacky races culture that pervades The Kingdom.
The AA’s policy officer in Scotland agreed that Fife is home to mental motorists:
"The A92, linking a series of equally unattractive towns in Fife, has more accidents
per foot than any other dual carriageway in the known universe. Or so I’m told. If
you caught me in Fife, I’d be dead."
|
Professor Beaker of Aberdeen’s Centre For The Study of The
Terminally Mental told The JT: "There are
probably deep-rooted socio-economic and cultural reasons why Fifers drive like bams, but I
can’t be bothered to think of them at the moment. Its basically down to the fact that
Fifers just don’t give a fuck. Eh?"
Dunfermiline motorists racing up to
the next set of traffic lights. |
