| Lovable prehistoric recluse
Nessie broke his million year silence this week-in the worst possible way. Alvin
Alvinator, a long term Nessie watcher from Cow's Ass, Iowa, claimed that yesterday, while
quartering the Loch looking for the monster, Nessie rose out of the waters, grabbed the
terrified tourist by the neck and told him to fuck off. "Yes sir, "Alvin told a press conference later, "I was surely
shocked by this outburst. I don't hold with cussin' no sir. I didn't expect one of your
country's prime tourist attractions to be so surly…"
Mr Alvinator revealed that he had spent most of his adult
life camped on the shores of Loch Ness in a camper van, hoping, year after year, for a
sighting of the famed beast. To finally meet up with Nessie only to be subjected to a
tirade of abuse, had, Mr Alvinator continued, "durn broke ma heart."
Phoned for comment at the Scottish Tourist Board's
strategic planning unit in Antigua, Director of Marketing , Malcolm Matrix confessed to
being shocked. |
"I'm shocked" he
confessed, "Its just not good enough when all our industry partners are trying to
make Scotland , what we marketeers would call a viable vacation experience destination to
have a prehistoric survival indulging in this sort of outburst. And now you'll have to
excuse me because its time for my sailboard lesson." Sources close to the monster say that Nessie has become increasingly irritated by
unjustifiable intrusions into his private life and had talked about leaving the area and
retraining as an aromatherapist.
Before closing the press conference, Mr Alvinator produced
a banjo and insisted on playing a selection of tunes redolent of his native Iowa. Members
of press present were treated to "Ah lurve ma sister cos she's been a good wife to
me" and "If it ain't from Iowa then it ain't worth a shit," before managing
to unlock the camper van door and flee, screaming, into the night. |
