| Italian geologist Luigi Piccardi
late this week retracted earlier claims that sightings of the Loch Ness Monster were
merely the imaginative byproduct of local seismic activity. Following a visit to the area
this week the Piedmontese pointy-headed intellectual conceded that the whole theory was
bollocks. After a closed door meeting with local hoteliers, pub owners
and the man who sells highly amusing Nessie postcards at the head of the Loch, Dr Piccardi
finally emerged from the meeting looking shaken and told waiting pressmen: "After
listening to the arguments put forward by local people I now conclude that the whole line
of reasoning I followed was erroneous. Can I leave now? Please?"
It is understood that the scientist was especially impressed by the production
of photographic evidence; a set of out of focus polaroids showing the monster or possibly
a floating tree and a collection of crystal clear prints of Dr Piccardi's wife and kids
going about their business back in Italy innocently unaware of the fragility of human
existence and how life can be snuffed out like a guttering candle - as local hotelier
Angus McPsycho so elegantly put it. |
Long term Nessie Hunter, Alvin
Alvinator of Cow's Arse Iowa for one had not been impressed by the Italian's discredited
speculations. "I come from the greatest state in the greatest country in the world
and we don't hold with scientists telling us what to believe - that's what evangelical
Christianity's for." Elsewhere, in an exclusive interview with the
JT, Nessie was less than happy with the renewed confirmation of her existence . She
tearfully issued this appeal "Look, why don't you all just fuck off and leave
me alone?."
Meanwhile, Dr Piccardi rushed for the airport eschewing local invitations to
"sleep with the kippers." |
