| Following Celtic's drubbing at the
hands of Rangers last weekend, Archbishop Tom Winning announced this week that there is no
God. Speaking from the East end Diocese Annexe, Baird's, the normally colourfully-
costumed cleric addressed waiting media clad completely in black, the ensemble set off by
a beret set at a jaunty angle. Pausing only to draw deeply on a foul
smelling Gitane, the head of the Catholic Church in Scotland explained how he had reached
this startling conclusion.
"It was just after that fourth goal went in, it occurred to me, how could a
wise and loving God let that happen? And after the fifth one, it hit me like a thunderbolt
- there is no God, only an amoral universe coldly indifferent to the needs and aspirations
of all Humanity and probably Huns as well for that matter." |
A spokespriest for the diocese
explained later that Tom Winning would now formally embrace existentialism as "only a
situational philosophy based on absolute free will can adequately explain how Rangers
managed to beat Kaiserslautern at Ibrox. All is chaos, there is no order to the
cosmos." A spokesbishop for Winning's boss reported that the Pope
was said to be "relaxed" about the Archbishop's conversion. "as long as
he's a Catholic existentialist it's OK by the vicar of Christ."
Spokesangel Gabriel, when contacted by the JT, conceded that he'd expected this
development for some time, "God can't be arsed with Winning and this obsession he's
got with Celtic. Any time he's praying for an intercession the Deity just thinks
about something else 'til he goes away." |
